Extremely loud bangs were heard in Harefield village and outlying areas last night. The noise, which started around midnight, caused much damage and woke  up most of the villagers, leaving only the deaf and the very drunk to sleep through it. 

The disturbance left young children crying and enraged parents roaming the streets looking for the source of the commotion. Livestock on the village farms were unsettled with roosters crowing far too early, cows running riot in the milking sheds and swine rutting in their sties. There was also much damage to property with shop windows smashed in the High Street, sheds demolished on the allotment and caravans being blown off their chassis on the concreted over gardens round Ash Grove. 

PC Brigade, who was on duty at Harefield Police Station at the time, was inundated with calls from irate villagers. He reported the disruptions to village life to the appropriate authorities. 

The Ministry of Gobbledegook released a statement on TV and in the press, including to this very newspaper that the bangs were sonic booms caused by Tornado jet fighters that had been scrambled from RAF Uxbridge to see off a Russian Tupolev passenger plane that had been scheduled to fly into London Denham Airport but had been circling over the Secret Germ Warfare Laboratory which everybody knows is behind the Harefield Inn. 

Most residents remain sceptical about the official line taken by the powers that be and many have their own theories or beliefs. A satirical author from the upmarket Dovedale Estate thought it was Mad Ken playing his music at full volume in the early hours as usual. “It sounded like a Led Zeppelin drum solo to me” he told our reporter “Only not so loud”. 

The Reverend Killjoy rushed from the Vicarage to St. Mary’s to ring the bells that announce the End Times. “Prepare for The Rapture!” he called over his loudhailer “Repent your sins and be ready to meet your maker!”  and “Don’t forget the church jumble sale on Saturday ” he added for good measure. 

The Good Witches from the Coven Round Ash Grove believe they know the real reason for the disorder and put it down to the Sky Gods being cross with the village. “It was those so called pagans messing about in things they don’t understand. I’ll spank that Kevin Purebottom’s arse when I see him!” the Good Witch Mango told our reporter “What a mess up of the May Day Festivities they made. The Gods want proper virgins, not some stuck up tarts from Ruislip and his daughter Virginia is about as pure as the driven slush. And what’s all that about sacrificing white chocolate mice? The gods want blood and lots of it!”  

To appease what they believe are giant monsters fighting in the clouds the witches are planning another naked sacrifice up on Mount Harefield by the sacred stones. The secret ceremony will take place on Thursday at noon whilst the rest of the village are expected to be at the poll stations for the council elections. The hags will be prancing around in their bare trollies and re-enacting scenes from the Wicker Man. 

Old Pete from the allotment told us “You can see it all from the top of my shed. None of them look like Britt Ekland but they do have smashing teeth!”  

Shopkeepers survey the damage from the sonic blasts. 

The Good Witch Mango. Smashing teeth.