An outbreak of bicycle bell thefts in Harefield has left the village cyclists unable to warn other road users of their presence. Overnight bike sheds and side passages were broken into and bells were stolen from almost all the bicycles in the area. 

Police are said to be baffled by the crimes and believe it to be the work of an individual with a grudge against cyclists. PC Brigade from the Harefield Constabulary told the Scandal “We’re baffled by the crimes and believe it to be the work of an individual with a grudge against cyclists”. 

Whilst this has had no meaningful effect on the local roads where our two-wheeled users are accustomed to being cut up by angry motorists, the thefts have  caused absolute chaos on the towpaths of the Grand Union Canal. 

With bike riders unable to give the traditional ‘ting ting’ to signal their approach, ramblers, dog walkers and fishermen alike are either being savagely mown down or find themselves having to leap for safety into the stinging nettles or even the cut itself. 

Keen towpath cyclist Bunty Saddlebags told our reporter “I’m the most polite of bikers usually and I always give a couple of rings to warn dog walkers I’m on my way as they always have the dog lead spread right across the towpath so I can’t get past. Now I’ve tried shouting Ahoy-hoy! but they refuse to get out of my way because I can’t ring a bell!”  

Dog walker Betty Hooser-Goodboy had an alternative viewpoint “Oh the demons in Lycra you mean? Bastards! They come out of nowhere without warning so fast you have to jump for safety into the stingers. I shout out ‘you’re welcome ‘ at them but sarcasm is wasted on the stupid!”  

Fisherman Ben Trodd was most vocal on the situation “I come here to get away from the missus for a bit of peace and quiet and you get all these nutters shouting at each other. Ring yer blasted bell! Get yer bleedin’ dog out the way! I have to be careful they don’t kick me tackle box!”  

PC Brigade told us “I’d like to investigate all these complaints but there’s a great big hole appeared in the High Street and I’ve got to look into it”. 

A horde of cyclists without bells force a lady rambler to the side of the road. 

Hole in the High Street. Police are looking into it. God bless the Two Ronnies.