Two of Harefield’s most celebrated visitors have disappeared. Ivan and Irina Swan, from Siberia, have not been seen at their holiday home on the village pond for several days now. The couple visit here every year just before Christmas, spend six months on the pond relaxing away from the harsh Artic winter and then fly  back before the fair comes to the common. 

Willie Twitcher, an ornithologist from Pond Close told us ‘They come for the mild weather and the sex. Plenty of sex. They’re at it day and night. I’ve seen them’. When our reporter told him that swans naturally come here to breed he replied ‘ That’s what I’m telling you. Sex mad they are!’  

Wayne Harris, a mallard who lives on the pond told us ‘Bloody immigrants! Good riddance! They come swanning in here, swan around for a few months showing off and then swan off again’. 

We spoke to another expert, Cyril Tinfoil-Nutjob from round Ash Grove. He told us ‘It’s a conspiracy. Ivan Swan and Irina Swan. What do their initials spell? ISIS that’s what. You know that thing that swans do that looks like they’re kissing? People say it’s a heart but it’s not. It’s the letter M for masons. It’s the Freemasons behind this, you’ll see. And the Russian Mafia. Yeah that’s it! It’s an M for Mafia too!’  

There are certainly many theories abounding about the disappearance of the much loved couple. Our reporter looked it up on the Internet and it seems that older male swans can suffer from male erectile dysfunction which would explain the lack of cygnets in recent years. Or it was more likely an alien abduction. 

Meanwhile the village’s favourite pub, the Swan, remains demolished. 

  
Flats where the Swan Inn once stood.