Central Harefield was brought to a standstill yesterday as villagers protested on the common against over tourism. Smaller protests broke out at other popular sight seeing spots including the Hanging Gardens of Dovedale, Ash Grove Park, the toilet block in Taylor’s Meadow and the dogging car park by the Church Hall.

Wayne Harris, 6, a duck who lives on the pond complained ‘The trouble is the tourists come over here buying second homes and it prices the rest of us out. An Egyptian Geese couple moved into the reeds next door, you know what that lot are like, they’ve already had four kids who will be starting their families soon and before you know it you’ll have all sorts moving in. Moorhens, swans, Canadian Geese, the whole bleeding lot!’

Sharon Sugartits 32, unemployed pregnant single mother of six from Gilbert O’Sullivan Street told our correspondent Gladys Friday ‘They’re crowding us out these tourists. You can’t move for other people’s kids. They’re breeding like flies, every year there’s more and more tourists arriving by the coach load parking on the double yellow lines and packing out the post office buying post cards. I can’t get in there to pick up my benefits!’

But Percy Purloin, 41, a pick pocket from Penzance Close reckoned ‘They’re good for the local economy them tourists. While they’re all gazing up taking photos of the architecture in the High Street they’re unwittingly making contributions to the poor of the parish. Yeah, me ha ha!’

The Reverend Killjoy who overheard this told him’ You should be ashamed of yourself my child, robbing good honest folk like that. Now where’s my fucking collection plate? I’m off to waylay them when they come out of the Kings Arms pissed!’