Harefield’s brave army of part time volunteer traffic wardens were called into action on Saturday afternoon after inconsiderate motorists ruined everyone’s weekend by parking with two wheels on the pavement along Breakspear Road North. 

The congestion was caused by latecomers to an event being held at the Football Club to raise funds for sport facilities for the village youngsters. Drivers unable to get into the 12 acre car park at the club were forced to find spaces around the village and being too bone idle to walk any distance, abandoned their cars on both sides of Ooh Wacka Doo Wacka Day Drive. 

As soon as the first car was parked illegally, residents from the Gilbert O’Sullivan estate took to the Facebook page Harefield Up Your Arse to register their displeasure. Homeowner Whispering Micky Mellotron from Nothing Rhymed Road was first on the phone to Harefield Rural District Council to report the heinous crimes. He murmured to  the Scandal “We don’t want no youth club round Ash Grove and we don’t want no kids playing football either”. 

Spokesman for the Union of Traffic Wardens And Trainee Supervisors (U-TWATS) Brian Bastard told our reporter “All of our members are volunteers who do this job out of the kindness of their hearts. We only reluctantly ticket cars when the public insist but ensure that the income generated by the fines go to a worthy cause”. 

The Gilbert O’Sullivan estate wasn’t the only part of Harefield plagued by thoughtless parking over the weekend. All along Park Lane vehicles from clients of the Old Orchard Gastro Restaurant had deserted their vehicles on grass verges and across driveways. There were no complaints from the good people of the Mount Pleasant and surrounding areas however as their weekend leisure time is normally spent at swingers parties and wife swapping in hot tubs. 

Old Orchard manager Egon Ronnie told the Scandal “We get diplomatic immunity down here from the Lord Mayor of Harefield as our clientelle consists of well to do punters from Mill End and the odd mayor or two, not the kind of riff raff the football club attracts”. 

We offered the Football Club the chance to reply to this scurrilous accusation but spokesman, former player and club stalwart Moulder Evans just told us “Bollocks!”  

When pressed further he added “Double bollocks!”  

A volunteer traffic warden’s illegally parked scooter.