Your chance to ask Harefield’s very own agony uncle for help with your Christmas problems. 

Dear Uncle Moulder, 

Someone on the Harefield Up Your Arse Facebook page asked where they could find  mistletoe locally. I’ve been trying for years to get cuttings from a mistletoe so I could grow one but I’ve never had any luck. Could you advise me on the best way to grow a mistletoe tree? Merry Christmas. 

Old Pete from the allotments. 

Dear Pete. 

Ever heard that saying ‘it doesn’t grow on trees’? Well let me tell you something about mistletoe. It does! It thrives on a host tree and sucks the life out of it like an ex wife.  Just walk in the woods and look up! It’s everywhere! Call yourself a gardener? Twat! Merry Christmas. 

Uncle Moulder. 

Dear Uncle Moulder. 

I’ve bought a set of flickering Christmas lights for the tree but they don’t seem to work. Can you recommend a qualified electrician who could fix them. I have enclosed a photo. Merry Christmas. 

Bunty Saddlebags from the upmarket Dovedale estate. 

Dear Bunty,

Good luck in finding a sparky round here who isn’t pissed this time of year! If you could get one out of the pub and to your house the next thing you know the screwdriver comes out and KABOOOOM! Yer house has gone up. Hope this helps. Merry Christmas. 

Love, Uncle Moulder 

Dear Uncle Moulder. 

My mum was doing her Christmas shopping in the High Street and a ginger lady bumped into her and didn’t say merry Christmas. You know what that lot are like. Should I make a big fuss about it on Harefield Up Your Arse or do you think I’ll get banned? 

Private Pike from New Years Green Lane. 

Dear Pikey, 

What are you, some kind of gingerist? This is the twenty first century for goodness sake, ginger people are everywhere now, even in Harefield. Grow up! Oh and can you ask your dad if he has any mistletoe plants left?

Merry Christmas love Uncle Moulder. 

Dear Uncle Moulder, 

I read an interview with Lord Dovedale in Hillingdon is Here and apparently Harefield United are doing rather well and won all their games in November. Are they playing at all over the holiday? 

J. Paraffin from Claire Close. 

Dear Jamie. 

The Hares are away to Hillingdon Borough, our local rivals on the 27th. However since those halcyon days of November they’ve lost their every game. I wouldn’t bother mate they’re fucking useless. Merry Christmas. 

Love, Uncle Moulder. 

Dear Uncle Moulder,

I managed to find a qualified electrician but he was a bit tipsy and damaged my house a little. Can you recommend a local handyman who might be able to fix it up for me? I enclose a photo. Merry Christmas. 

Bunty Saddlebags from the upmarket Dovedale estate. 

Dear Bunty,

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. What did I tell you? Some people just don’t listen. Still, I’m pretty handy meself, I’m only round the corner. I’m on me way with me giant tool. Weyhey! 

Merry Christmas love from your dear friend Moulder xx

Dear Uncle Moulder, 

I’m at a total loss as to what to buy my youngest grandson for Christmas. The boy is totally spoilt and has everything he could possibly want. It’s not like our day when we were content with a spinning top, a chocolate penny and an orange. Any ideas mate? 

Ebenezer Tightwad from Merle Haggard Avenue. 

Dear Ebenezer, 

Fisher Price do a really good Harefield Inn play set complete with working beer pumps and a barmaid outside having a fag. You can collect all the action figures, Mr. Ho Ho Ho, Hoppy the Geordie and Pet, the Stella Monster, Scotch Carol and even Mr. Smudger. They’re so lifelike you can’t even stand them up straight without them falling over. Hope this helps, merry Christmas, Uncle Moulder. 

That’s all from Uncle Moulder for this year. Merry Christmas and a Prosperous and Peaceful New Year.