Oi oi! It’s yer old mucker Uncle Moulder back with yer. Apparently the tosser who usually does this shite has got writer’s block again so he’s wheeled me out to do some FAQs. I don’t know what the faq they are but it appears some of you have some questions for me so let’s do them instead.

Number one. Is Breakspear Road open?

Jeebers, this old chestnut. Thing is my lover, some of it is and some of it ain’t. The bit what’s open only gets you as far as the bit what’s closed and when that’s open the other bit will be closed. Or something. I hope I’ve cleared that up. As long as you can get to the football club you’re okay but I think that bit is being dug up too.

Number two. Does the Horse on the Barge do food?

Food? What like pub food? The only food you need in a pub is crisps, nuts and pig scratchings. Oh and a plate of sandwiches on darts night. Food indeed! Next!

Number three. Is Moorhall Road open?

I don’t fucking know! I think it’s open as far as the Horse on the Barge where they do a first class butternut squash risotto with leeks and spinach. And sticky toffee parsnip pudding for afters. With a cheeky little shiraz.

Number four. Can you recommend a good Chinese?

I ‘ad a Chinese girlfriend once. One night in bed I asked her if she fancied a 69? She said “I’m not fucking cooking this time of night!”

Number five. Anyone know a good window cleaner?

Yur, a bucket of water and a chamois leather ya lazy bastards. Still, if yer getting on a bit and can’t get out, that bloke who used to be a football referee is alright. He was a useless referee though. Or that bloke wot shouts Power to the People from the top of his ladder.

Number six. Why is there so much traffic in the village?

That’s really one for Aunty Clockwise the Scandal’s traffic girl. But it’s probably because Breakspear Road and Moorhall Road are closed. It’s not bloody rocket science.

Number seven. Is Park Lane open?

Look, it’s Harefield. All the roads are being shut. Which is bad because you can’t get out but good because all the other fuckers can’t get in. What you wanna go there for anyway? The Fish ‘Ole is shut.

Number eight. Did you see the Spitfire over the village?

I’ve seen loads of Spitfires over the village. Hunting the Bosch they was. An’ doodlebugs. We usta shoot ‘em down over Harefield and they’d explode in Denham. Har har har.

Finally number nine. Can you recommend a good cake maker for a silver wedding anniversary?

I’m not doing this again! Next time he asks me to do something because he can’t be arsed to write a story he can stick it where the sun don’t shine! He’s fucking useless he is.

Well then, it’s been nice chatting with you all. Until the next time it’s over and out my lovers, love yer old pal Uncle Moulder.