Your chance to ask Harefield’s very own agony uncle for help with your problems. 

Dear Moulder,

I have read that Google and Facebook are clamping down on fake news sites. I rely on the Harefield Scandal to keep me up to date with everything that goes on in the village as I never visit and I’m worried that the Scandal may be shut down. Is this true? 

Councillor Pygmalion, Northwood. 

Dear twat, you have no need to worry on that score, it says at the top of the page ‘Not one word of a lie’. Can’t you read? Love Uncle Moulder. 

Dear Moulder,

Every morning when I walk my dog Derek past the Post Office a group of old men wolf whistle at me and make lewd comments. Although I’m slightly flattered by this attention at my age, I also feel a bit uncomfortable about it. Is there anything I could do to make them stop? 

Betty Hooser-Goodboy, up Northwood Road. 

Dear Gorgeous, you could stop wearing them fingerless mittens for a start you sexy bitch. I may be old but I’m not dead yet. Love Uncle Moulder. 

Dear Uncle Moulder,

I used to support Liverpool in the 80s when they used to win everything. Since then I’ve supported Man Utd, Chelsea, Man City and Chelsea again. However, since I was made redundant I now find myself strangely attracted to Harefield United. When is their next game? 

J. Paraffin, from Claire Close. 

Dear Jamie, do yourself a favour and don’t bother. They’re fucking useless. Love Uncle Moulder. 

Dear Uncle Moulder, 

I was driving to my evening classes in microwave cookery when my car conked out about a mile from home. I walked back to seek help from my husband but when I got indoors I found him in bed with my sister. I am at a loss, I don’t know what to do next. Can you help me please? 

Jenny Talia, Sgt. Carter Close. 

Dear Jenny, it’s probably just shit in the carburettor my love, although I don’t know how often you have to do that. Ask your husband, he seems a decent sort. Love, Uncle Moulder 

Dear Uncle Moulder,

I’ve been ever so lonely since my husband died. I know my next door neighbour fancies me and we have flirted but he’s a bit fat with a big red face. My ideal man would be older, short and slim, mature and sophisticated with a keen interest in horse racing. Do you know anyone suitable? 

Sally Fudgecakes, round Ash Grove. 

Dear Sally, wey hey! I’m on me way round! Pump up yer lilo! Love, Uncle Moulder. 

Well that’s it from Uncle Moulder this week. If you have a question for him put it on a postcard and leave it outside the Post Office on the bench.