Harefield United Captain Shaun Raspberry-Magnum has been criticised for having a tattoo of a cock done on his arm during the close season. First team manager Jason Argonaut ranted “Stupid boy! Doesn’t he realise that the nickname of our greatest rivals Broadfields United is the Fighting Cocks? If he wanted to have an animal tattoo he should’ve had one done of our mascot Harry the Harefield Hare not a stupid chicken!”

Other players jumped to Raspberry-Magnum’s defence. Goalkeeper Jake Balldropper said “It’s a man’s right to do what he likes with his body. If women in Ireland can have abortions now I’m sure centre halves can have tattoos of chickens done on their arms”.

Midfielder Paul Underpar added “Yeah. If the skipper has a few beers on holiday and fancies getting a chicken tattoo that’s up to him and no body else’s business”.

The Scandal contacted Raspberry-Magnum who is currently on a cycling tour of Canvey Island. He explained “It’s not exactly a tattoo of a chicken, it’s actually a penis”. We put this to manager Argonaut who replied ” Well that’s just as bad. That’s the badge of our other rivals Hillingdon Borough. They’re a bunch of pricks”.

Hillingdon Borough. A bunch of pricks.