Harefield First Eleven all rounder Joe Bon Jobi has been sensationally dropped from the forthcoming Winter Ashes Tour of Australia after a late night fracas outside the kebab shop. Bon Jobi, 54, a homeless children’s entertainer known as BoJo the Clown, had been called up to the England test side as a surprise replacement for Ben Stokes who coincidentally had been fired for his part in a nightclub punch up in Bristol.

The clown come cricketer, who lives in a skip round by the Legion, had reportedly been drinking heavily in the Kings Arms with other Harefield teammates when they decided to move on to Winkers Night Club. Bon Jobi was heard to say “Let’s go get some kebabs from the picaninnies first!” and the group piled into the takeaway.

Video footage of the incident showed the clown waving a Union Jack flag and shouting “Rah rah rah! We’re going to smash the oiks!” before emptying a bottle of chilli sauce over a teacher from the Harefield Academy for Gifted Children. In the ensuing melee Bon Jobi was seen to throw punches at the vicar, an off duty police officer PC Backhander, a heart surgeon from the hospital and the Bloke Who Walks Backwards Along Harvil Road who were all in the queue. He then exited the shop and taunted a beggar by burning his kebab in front of the poor wretch whilst shouting “Take that you scoundrel! Bullingdon Club forever!”

Police were called to the scene by a passerby and both Bon Jobi and team captain WG Evans were arrested and taken to Harefield Police Station where they spent the night in the cells and were charged with public drunkenness, disturbing the peace and criminal damage to a takeaway menu.

The Scandal’s cricket correspondent Bunty Bodyline spoke to Bon Jobi regarding the incident “ Well er, gosh, er, crikey! I mean, well, gadzooks forsooth. Hey, you’re a pretty young thing. Would you like to whip my bails off?”

BoJo the Clown “Would you like to whip my bails off?”