Harefield’s famous historic village pond is missing, presumably abducted by aliens. The water feature, thousands of years old, used to be on the east side of the common between the war memorial and the post office but hasn’t been seen since last week.

The pond’s long and chequered history has always been central to village life. Every year on Boxing Day it is host to the famous Harefield On Ice Spectacular when tradition has it that two hundred year old wizard Hairspring leads the formation skating. Young hobbits from Mount Pleasant learn to swim there, it has a world famous nudist beach and is a UNESCO World Heritage Site thanks to the rare species of Harefield Water Voles who inhabit the bulrushes. Over the years it has been home to a shark, a Morris Minor van and the Thunderbirds Underwater Base.

Villagers were baffled by the disappearance of the tourist attraction. One afternoon it was there and the following morning, gone! The Scandal’s local news correspondent Gladys Friday spoke to Ken Spruce, head of the Keep Harefield Tidy Group, who keep the common looking pristine. “Yep, definitely aliens!” he claimed, “Tall and green they were, with tiny little eyes the size of peanuts and they spoke with a Mill End dialect ” “He’s lying again!” interrupted his wife Barbie Spruce “Last week he reckoned he was in S Club 7!”

Barry Tinfoil-Nutjob, 43, who lives with his parents round Ash Grove concurred. “I was lurking nearby in Doggers Close, er, picking up litter, yes, that’s it, when I saw orange flashing lights in the sky, y’know like you get on a gully sucker or a dust cart, and a whooshing sound, like er you get on a gully sucker or a dust cart and the next day the pond was gone like it had been sucked away”.

Wayne Harris, a mallard who lives on the pond, added ” Cor, I was lucky! Me and the missus Cindy had gone onto the common for a bit of how’s yer father when this flying saucer came down and whoosh! All the pond was flying up the in the air, ducks, voles, reeds, traffic cones, the whole blinking lot! Good job it weren’t duck rag week or I’d have been in that!”

We contacted Tory Headquarters in South Oxhey to speak to Councillor Pygmalion. “What’s the matter with you people?” he asked. “Can’t you do anything for yourselves? I came to the village last week for the first time to speak at the Harefield Angry Brigade meeting and I’m not coming back unless there’s an election!”