Harefield village was terrorised last night by a motorcycle gang of monkeys. The simians, known as the Hell’s Monkeys (Chorleywood Chapter) took advantage of the fact that ninety percent of the villagers were indoors watching a double bill of the Big Brother Final and the first episode of the Great British Bake Off. 

The gang rode into the village at around eight o’clock in the evening, performing wheelies up and down the High Street, totally disregarding the instructions of the Laughing Policeman Machine on points duty at the crossroads. 

Police back up was called for and PC Brigade decided to appeal to the gang’s sense of human decency by turning up on his Noddy bike. Unfortunately being apes they were sadly lacking in any human qualities. 

The ten percent of the villagers who were having a Friday night piss up in the pubs dismissed it all as a publicity stunt for the  forthcoming Billy Mills Circus which opens on the common next weekend. Eventually the gang, disappointed at being ignored by all but the cops, rode out of the village around half past ten with the hapless PC Brigade having joined their ranks. 

He told the Scandal “It was my childhood dream to be a monkey on a motorbike in the circus. I’m hoping someone will teach me to juggle”. When told that the apes were a vicious motorcycle gang and not a circus act he uttered “Oh crap! I’ve had the tattoo done and everything done now. I can never go home. Tell my mum I love her and those magazines under my bed aren’t mine and I’ve never seen them before!”  

Mythical Councillor Professor Henry Pygmalion contacted the Scandal to try to raise his public profile which is nonexistent. “We need to build more youth clubs in residential areas to keep these youths off the streets. Once the Ash Grove project is compete we will proceed with constructing similar youth clubs in Hinkley Close, the Gilbert O’Sullivan estate and a Day Centre for hobbits in Mount Pleasant, moving towards our goal of total world domination”. 

Half price tickets for the circus are available from the estate agents in Denham, the estate agent in Park Lane, Rameshes Revenge and All Nite Convenience Store, Terry the Barbers, Bill the Bookies, Costcutters, Mr. Robinson’s Family Butchers, the Village Salon,the Tackle Shop, the Duchess of Harefield’s Antique Shop, CJ’s Emporium of Luxury Goods, the Harefield Inn, Mr. Fingers at the Cricket Club, the Allotments Trading Hut, the Chip Shop and Sumners the Chemist. 

Hurry now before they’re all gone!