Harefield villagers took the day off to celebrate Her Majesty The Queen’s ninetieth birthday. Street parties were the order of the day all over the village as revellers toasted Her Royal Highness’ health. 

The 1st Harefield Venture Scouts Marching Band kicked off the proceedings on the common before the pubs opened. Villagers gathered to listen to the National Anthem followed by a selection of favourites from Vera Lynn, Adele and West Side Story. 

Soon the pubs and clubs were full of  villagers drinking like it was going out of fashion. In the Kings Arms punters guzzled lager tops and in the Harefield Inn they quaffed real ale. I believe ‘quaffing’ is a colliquial term for spilling most of it. Sean the Guv’nor from the KA organised a game of dwyle flunking in the carpark  whilst  in the Harefield Inn beer garden by the bus stop Mr. Ho Ho Ho had a whole hog roast on the go, with chinese style spare ribs a plenty. 

In the Harefield Royal British Legion Ex Servicemans Working Man’s Social Club Stan ‘The Boy’ McCann, a one man band from Milan, played everybody’s favourite songs from the war, such as Pack Up a Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag, It’s a Long Way To Tipperary and Rock Around The Clock. 

  

Stan ‘The Boy’ McCann

Not all the villagers celebrated Her Majesty’s (God save ‘er) birthday though. In the staunchly republican upmarket Dovedale Estate the Residents Committee held an Anti Austerity  bring your own dope tea party, down by the allotment gates. Mad Ken entertained the crowds with Sex Pistols songs on his gramaphone and Moulder Evans played the spoons. A satirical author who lives nearby told our reporter “What a lot of fuss about a woman who’s never done a days hard work in her life! My old nan lived to a hundred and who gave her a party? Well, us the family obviously but you know what I mean. Come the revolution she’d be first up against the wall along with that jug eared twat of a son of hers and Eric Pickles. The Queen that is, not my nan”. 

Everywhere else though the villagers celebrated with Gusto, a clown from Ruislip. The Springwell Lock Morris Dancers entertained all outside both the Kings Arms and the Harefield Inn with their merry ditties, jigs and reels. Down at the Beer on the Barge upper class toffs like Lord Snooty and his Pals paid small fortunes to be admitted to a canal side garden party and the Old Orchard had a fancy dress darts match. 

  
Lord Snooty and his Pals at The Beer on the Barge Garden Party. 

In the evening those who were left standing in the Harefield Inn were entertained by a Drag Queen Queen Look A Like competition. The Honourable Judges were Mr Ho Ho Ho, Father Cassocklifter from St. Paul’s and Stan the Boy McCann who had finished his stint entertaining the members of the Harefield Royal British Legion Ex Servicemans Working Man’s Social Club and was several sheets to the wind after the consumption of a dozen or so pints of Old Bedwetter. 

The standards of the entrants were extremely high but the judges were unanimous in their first choice. The winner was a well known local TV astrologer and dancer who cannot be named on these pages, but you all know who I mean. Hoppy the Geordie made the usual joke about raising your glasses to ‘the Queer Old Dean, er I mean the Dear Old Queen’,  sank a yard of Guinness and disappeared into the night, only to return ten minutes later, ask whose round it was and remind one and all “Don’t forget it’s St. Georges Day on Saturday and time for another good old Harefield piss up! God save the Queen! (God save ‘er)”. 

  

TV astrologer and dancer Russell Grant dressed up as Her Majesty The Queen, God save ‘er.