Harefieldians are excitedly preparing for July 4th when all over the village pubs, cafes and barbers will open at last. For the first time since lockdown in March villagers will be able to go out on Saturday morning for a fry up, a short back and sides and get absolutely bladdered.

The Scandal sent our chief columnist Gladys Friday to interview landlords and drinkers. The guvnor of the KA Sean told her “We’ll be having dwyle flunking in the car park with foaming pints of lager top and the Springwell Lock Morris Dancers are holding a drinking contest in the beer garden, no doubt entertaining us with their silly dances.

Mr Ho Ho Ho from the Harefield Inn promises a Bee Festival and Barbecue. “It was supposed to say Beer Festival but the printer messed up the posters. We will be practising social distancing in our extensive beer garden and Hoppy the Geordie will be acting as Chief Security Officer. I’m sure he’ll stay sober for the day”.

Mr Fingers from the Cricket Club said “We’ll have everything in place for a safe environment for people to get pissed in. There will be waitress service by former Harefield Beauty Queens to tables at least 20 metres apart across our cricket pitch, members will have to use the showers before and after every pint and wear gloves, masks, visors and hazmat suits. No getting infected on my watch!”

At the football club Chairman Lord Dovedale told us “We’re having a family picnic for all the youth players and their families, plenty of room on our patio if everybody squeezes up while the little angels run riot on our youth pitch. Herd immunity, that’s the way to go!”

Mr Jolly from the Spotted Dalmatian on the other hand informed us “They can come in one at a time, have one pint and leave. Fuck them”.

The Matron of Harefield Cottage Hospital, Karen Carryon predicted “I’m reopening Barbara Windsor Ward for the expected second wave of Coronavirus in two weeks time. Daft bastards”.