The Keep Harefield Tidy Group, who meet on the common on the last Saturday of every fortnight, are urging villagers to ‘Clean for the Queen’ to celebrate our glorious Monarch’s ninetieth birthday this summer. Len Spruce from the group told our reporter ‘We don’t get much litter here because everyone respects our village so much, but it would be good if we all made that extra special effort for her Majesty, God save ‘er’. There are currently no plans for the Queen to visit Harefield but the local council are keen for the village to look spick and span just in case. 

Royal visitors are no strangers to Harefield, Queen Elizabeth I and her court visited the Countess of Derbyshire in mediaeval days and in recent years the village was often blessed by the presence of Lady Di when she was shagging that doctor from the hospital. It is said that King Henry VIII once hunted wild boar on what is now the Cricket Club field and that Queen Victoria was not amused whilst watching a performance of the Harefield Amateur Dramatics Society’s Christmas Panto 1887. Should our Glorious Queen (God save ‘er) decide to visit, she would be sure to notice the extra special effort that had been put in by the villagers. 

Two famous Harefield thoroughfares, the Strollies and the Barley Path, are to be designated ‘doggie-free’ zones and the Harefield Sausage Dog Walkers’ Society will be advised of alternate routes where their pooches can make their little sausages without offending the eyes of our Monarch, should she deign to visit. 

The Neighbourhood Watch Scheme in New Years Green Lane have increased their security status to orange and signs have been erected to inform would-be fly tippers of the lack of CCTV cameras in nearby West Hyde. The Harefield Recycling Centre, formerly the Council Tip, formerly the Dump, will be open longer during the summer, to encourage the local ‘Tarmac and tree surgery ‘ crews not to ‘recycle’ their old mattresses and hardcore outside the dump gates. 

In the High Street the shopkeepers have clubbed together to employ the services of street sanitation technician James Paraffin on a consultancy basis whilst the Sinbad Brothers window cleaning cooperative are expecting a bumper summer if it doesn’t rain. 

Not everybody is thrilled at the thought of a potential Royal visit from our Queen, God save ‘er, unfortunately. Our reporter interviewed a satirical author from the upmarket Dovedale estate who claimed that our glorious Ruler, God save ‘er, would not be welcome in the village that has no truck with outsiders and that ‘Come the revolution she would be first up against the wall along with that jug-eared nincompoop of a son of hers and her dim witted racist philandering husband ‘ 

The Queen, God save ‘er, would have no fear of a frosty reception in the Harefield Royal Ex-Servicemans British Legion Club though. The premises are permanently bedecked with Union Jack flags and the decor throughout is red white and blue. “The Queen, God save ‘er, will always be made welcome here” bar steward Alf Price told our reporter “Unlike any arty farty republican poncy writers who would find it very difficult to get signed in should they try to come along for the bingo on a Thursday night. Her Majesty used to get in here when she was Princess Elizabeth y’know. She was serving in the Land Girls up at Blackheart Farm. She was always game for a half of Old Bedwetter and a threesome”. 

Villagers interested in joining the Keep Harefield Tidy Group are invited to meet on the common this coming Saturday morning after Brian Matthew’s Sounds of the Sixties on Radio 2 to help Hoover the grass.