It was handbags at ten paces last night in the Football Club at the Euro 2016 Sweepstake Draw. First team captain Tony Bell’s girlfriend Connie Lingus drew Argentina, prompting calls of “Fiddle!” from the Friday night regular drinkers.  A scuffle ensued with cries of “Don’t you talk to my bird like that!” and “Leave it Gary he’s not worth it!” before order was restored by Captain Manucci and Sergeant Evans of the Harefield Home Guard who were drinking in the club at the time. 

Club director of fund raising James Paraffin protested that he had performed the draw fair and square. “I don’t know why people are saying I fiddled the draw to favour the captain’s girlfriend just because she’s a good looking bird. Argentina have got no more chance than say, Scotland who Lord Dovedale drew. Mind you she has got smashing teeth”. 

Club committee members worked through the night to repair the damage to the bar and get the premises ready to open for business this morning, although extra security has been drafted in for today’s first televised game, Albania vs Switzerland, in the form of Beaver Patrol from the First Harefield Venure Scouts. 

The Harefield Constabulary are expecting no trouble in the pubs and clubs for the game as it coincides with the Village Fete on the common. Desk Sergeant PC Brigade told the Scandal “We’re expecting no trouble in the pubs and clubs for the game as it coincides with the Village Fete on the common which is always a potential flashpoint after last year’s scrap when Tony Hooligan nicked the tug of war rope before the final between St. Mary’s Campanologists and the devil worshipping Springwell Lock Morris Dancers. Now that was a chance for a bit of old fashioned police brutality! D’you want some?”  

“Leave it Gary he’s not worth it!”  

Open again for business.